"Relationships don't always make sense. Especially from the outside." - Anonymous
If you discovered a close friend's partner was being unfaithful, would you feel compelled to reveal this information? Or do you believe it's not your place to interfere in others' intimate matters?
This was the crux of a heated debate between a married friend and me over lunch yesterday. He felt strongly that loyalty to friends means informing them of a partner's disloyalty or transgressions.
As a person who doesn't believe in people "owning" others, I think relationships are more complex, requiring discretion and respect for privacy. This clash exposed our different perspectives on trust, commitment, and the ethics of involvement in others' romantic bonds, which inspired this piece.
I understand why someone may feel entitled to know such painful information from close friends to grapple with hard truths. (I even wrote a piece in Dec 2021 titled: “I Lost One of My Closest Friends Because I Don't Believe in Monogamy”).
Romantic relationships are very complex; dishonesty could stem from neglect, misunderstanding, mistakes, or human weakness.
As outsiders, we always have limited context.
Forced disclosure can violate individual dignity and autonomy - disallowing for organic resolutions.
In my view, while friends can provide perspective sometimes, boundaries matter.
Everyone makes their choices in their lives.
Honesty and commitment cannot be coerced.
Let's delve deeper into my friend's central point and why I believe it defies black-and-white verdicts.
Perspective 1: Obligation to Inform
Those who believe friends should inform partners about relationship betrayals make compelling arguments rooted in the sanctity of honesty and commitment. For married couples or those in exclusive bonds, one of the highest priorities is preserving the integrity of that union. Complete openness and honesty serve as the cornerstone.
From this lens, concealing the truth about a partner's disloyalty enables the behavior to continue unchecked, preventing confrontation, honesty, and reconciliation. It treats the couple’s relationship as fundamentally unequal if one party operates with more information. Since friends want the best for one another, they should feel compelled to reveal painful but necessary truths to strengthen that foundation.
Once aware of deceit, the basis for wilful ignorance erodes. Confidants perpetuate disrespect and destruction of trust by deliberately not informing their friends for fear of overstepping bounds. Given most monogamous couples vow fidelity and transparency from the outset, a partner waives claims over “privacy” when violating those vows.
Delivering difficult news tests bonds. Proponents argue that real love sometimes requires bravery in being direct. Loyalty protects the couple’s intimacy from further corrosion and does not shield friends from hard truths. From this perspective, discretion ultimately serves little purpose except enabling duplicity; honesty is the only policy regardless of how complex and painful revelations may prove for those invested in a devoted duo.
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not." - Blaise Pascal
Perspective 2: Respect of Free Will and Responsibility
I understand that truth-telling is essential, but relationship boundaries should also be respected. Here's the thing - we can’t know the whole story behind people's private struggles. Even if a friend's partner messed up, it isn't straightforward. Those two have to figure things out themselves. They are committed to each other, not me.
Plus, we're all adults here making our own choices - good and bad. Maybe what looks like a backstabbing move has more layers underneath. Some couples roll with more fluid rules than others, which is their business. What counts as betrayal differs widely. I can't judge someone else's actions from the outside.
Spilling secrets to force a confession in my book sets off alarm bells about privacy rights and personal responsibility. It's not my place to intervene just because I discover something I shouldn't have - that oversteps big time. A couple needs space to sort their stuff on their terms and timeline, for better or worse.
If those two eventually crash and burn, that's on them. I shouldn't play morality police and dish out punishments based on my standards. Let people make choices and live with the fallout.
Does putting their drama on blast help? Respect and trust of free will and responsibility run deep, even if the truth takes a hit. A relationship should stay intimate business, not public record.
While I get where the truth brigade is coming from, I can't condone blowing up a person's spot against their will. That feels like crossing a line to me. It's their path to walk, not mine.
Navigating the Grey Area
I don't buy into this whole till death do us part, one and only half orange ideal. Monogamy's not my personal value system, even though it works for some. Based on what I've seen, human connections can't always fit into a cookie-cutter mold.
But I respect people who build their lives around faithfulness. So if faced with their partner pulling the wool, as their friend, it’s tricky terrain! Part of me thinks, "Hey, people gotta be free to follow their hearts," but I also don’t want to ignore their pain.
That’s why I don’t cast stones at friends struggling between tattling truth and minding their business. When caught in the crossfire, it’s heavy emotional math to calculate whose well-being matters most. I think this stuff is complicated with so many angles to weigh.
But regardless of where we all end up, we must have understanding. If someone you care about makes a choice based on their truth, meet that choice with compassion. Let go of anger and see the shared desire for happiness underneath our different standards. That’s all of us are after.
So even when values clash over relationship rules, we can connect on our common goal - doing what we believe to be right. With that foundation, we may build bridges instead of burning them.
Questions Remain
This issue leaves me with more questions than answers when all is said and done. It raises questions about conflicting ethical duties. Am I justifying self-interest?
In these no-win dilemmas, what guiding principles should tip the scales one way or the other? Is it a numbers game where the best decision is the one that hurts the fewest people? Or is standing our moral ground more important despite the consequences? Whichever moral ground that is since there isn't a universal one.
How do we build common ground around values of trust and intimacy in our relationships? Can universal standards exist across cultures, preferences, and beliefs? Or do we undermine diversity and freedom of choice by insisting on conformity?
Zooming way out philosophically — is there one straightforward “right” and “wrong”? Or only intersecting truths where many things can be true at once? It seems the more you ponder, the less you know.
No clear answers show us how to balance respecting autonomy and demanding accountability or caring for each other and ourselves. The paradoxes keep piling up!
We all need to get more comfortable with the gray area as connections between people grow more complex. We may need to think more and listen before jumping to fixed judgments of right versus wrong.
Nuance lives in the messy middle ground between absolutes.
Can we meet each other there?
“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Well, if you've made it this far, props to you!
At the end of the day, we all want to show up for the people we care about. Even if our ideas about loyalty and trust don't line up. Relationships are freakin' complicated!
More art than science, you feel me?
What I keep coming back to is acting with compassion. We must cut ourselves and each other plenty of slack as we bumble through.
Consider reflecting more before reacting.
We can't control others' choices, but we can control how we respond.
Righteously demanding truth or privacy often backfires when faced with those ethical quandaries.
People dig in their heels. Baby steps toward understanding each other go a long way. Find common ground, not accusations to condemn from some moral high ground.
If this piece leaves you with anything, let it be more patience, humility, and curiosity about others’ contexts and experiences—less attachment to being right at someone else’s expense.
Sitting more with uncomfortable questions without rushing to answers.
Oh, and lifting each other rather than placing blame.
Most things are gray areas, after all! Let's figure them out together.
What do you think? I’m looking forward to reading your take in the comments.
Recommended Readings for Further Exploration
1. “The Ethicist” by Kwame Anthony Appiah - A New York Times column An exploration of complex modern ethical dilemmas from private lives to public policy.
2. “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed - A collection of thoughtful, personal advice on life, relationships, secrets, betrayal, and more.
3. “All About Love” by Bell Hooks - An examination of love relationships and the need for more understanding of life's complexities.
4. “The Price of Privilege” by Madeline Levine - A look at ethical issues facing families, relationships, and personal responsibility around integrity.
5. “Difficult Conversations” by Douglas Stone - Practical approaches to tackling disagreements and conflicts in relationships and communities.
6. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk - A book on trauma's impact on relationships and the human connections that heal.
7. “Sacred Contracts” by Caroline Myss - Explores obligations, boundaries, relationships, and moral choices from spiritual perspectives.
If someone is a friend, their wellbeing is your business. Telling them the truth of what you saw is protecting their wellbeing, not forcing them to do anything. It doesn't take away anyone's free will and passing along information is not the same as casting judgement on anyone. Of course it's complicated, but that complication is theirs to sort out--all you are doing is passing along info. That info gives the cheated party a choice that their partner was taking away from them--the choice to leave if they don't like what is happening. Without knowing the truth, they don't have that choice.
Since you are not monogamous, put it in another context. If a friend of yours realized you were being financially scammed, would you want them to just "mind their own business"? I personally care more about protecting my friend than protecting the privacy of the person who is hurting them.